Evangelion Reflection

upon completion of the series alone:

validation. that's the one theme to evangelion. all throughout it's how and what people do to validate themselves. i know the thoughts, i used to hate myself as drew people around me to keep me from thinking that. when you have no love for yourself, you try to gather praise and love from others to fill that gap in your soul. there's always that blackness in the back of your mind that you try to ignore. you think that if you show love to others, as empty as that is, they will return that love and give you a reason to be. without that, you are nothing. without accomplishments you do nothing and no one cares about you. without the love of others there's no reason to live. i know that i love others to get it back. i am worthless, and as a result, i try to do my best at everything to gain respect and feel like i'm needed for something. if i feel like i'm helping someone, that gives me a reason for existence. without taking so much from everyone, i would not be anything. all of myself is made from what others give me and how they perceive me. what they perceive as me is what i become. i am nothing without others. if i had utter freedom from perception i would be nothing to myself. i am only what others make me. i try to be something on my own, but i can't ever escape the expectations that others have of me. i love, i help, i do everything and anything simply because that gives me a selfish reason to remain around. this is how i validate my own existence. everything i do is selfish, for even when it seems otherwise, i'm doing it simply because i have an innate want to exist. i WANT to mean something to someone cause then i can steal what i mean to them from them and think it of myself. i think all humans do this. hating yourself just means you want more people to tell you different. validation. why else would you be here? without the people you cling to for meaning, you have no reason to exist. what am i? who am i? and who/what am i to other people? if so many perspectives are different, what can you keep for yourself? can you pick and choose? but if everything others see you as BECOMES you, then what if others see opposing traits? can you truly be two opposite poles? can two things that are so conflicting be present in a single organism? what does THAt make you? do you have to define who you are or can you just mold yourself to your present company? sometimes you think that you have to decide on who you are so you can show someone the 'true you'. everyone's supposed to have one. but if you are what you take, then there is no true you outside of the combination of everyone you know and what they think of you. the true you is the sum of your life. all your friends, family, acquaintances, people you pass on the street. how can anyone be one thing if you chane constantly? can you change who you are by what's around you? can you change your life to change yourself? how is this possible? already, you pick and choose. already, the you that is you alters what perspectives are currently working in you to change who you appear to be to others. how does this make you you? if this is the case, then is the you that is you the entity that chooses who you are to the world? what is that entity? is it your soul, or something simpler, like your name? validation. is the you that is you in existence simply to find out who 'you' is? is THAT possible? validation is the you that pulls everything into itself to mold something new to whatever situation 'you' is in. validation is the force that alters and gives you reason to exist. validation is the sum of all, and all is what makes 'you' exist.

upon completion of the end movie and discussion:

existence. reason for being. individuality. the reason to exist, to be YOU and not a single whole, void of interaction, void of individuality, difference, personality, self. void of everything and anything that is yours and no one else's. a liquid, a single whole, undifferentiated, unspecific. a lack of relationships, interaction, and as such a lack of pain. a neutral feeling not part of anything but part of everything. not bad nor good. a being togetherness, not feeling pure pain or pure love, happiness. the drive behind everything, subconscious want, need, desire. to not feel the pain of existence, but the apathy of attachment. to exist--to feel something, to have a reason to be alive, to have a hope, an innate feeling, as long as you are alive, you have a reason to exist. to feel insures you are alive. to choose emotions and pain over a nothingness that is everything. to bring the earth into a renaissance, a new life that is one whole, or to choose pain and suffering, but also love and happiness. to open yourself to love and rejection, and retain the hope that one day you will find what it is that you are looking for. hope, choice, life as everything it is. life as individual entities that act and interact to form things outside what is within you, yet inside you as well. to have choices, to have the chance to be loved and wanted, but also take the chance of being hurt. individuality. the differences between people make it so that something greater, something transcendental, can be brought into existence. all of humanity attempts to understand how differences can make something that includes everything. a whole of all, all individuality combined makes an entity that still wants individuality, wants feelings, wants life. no matter how well a whole levels emotions, the whole wants to be individual, wants to interact, wants something separate from itself. individuality is the only way uniformity can be attained, is the only way something can be achieved that is beyond humanity. love and life.

addendum: what do i know about myself?

i know that i validate my being with how i affect others. all i want is for my existing to last. i want to be remembered. i tel myself that everyone who comes into my life changes me in some little way so as to make them last forever. i also do this in hopes, no, to make myself believe that if i do this for others, they will return what i give them and i will be remembered. even though i feel like i shouldn't be remembered, i still selfishly tie others to be so i will be. this is how i validate my existence. if i make others believe in me, then i can feel better about myself. if i innately hate myself, then i can allow others to convince me otherwise. i want to be loved, i want to be acknowledged, i want to be needed and noticed, so i do whatever i can to get that. i'm a selfish person. all human action is selfish, no one does anything without some subconscious selfishness. i know this about myself the same as i know it in other people. i do things to get things in return. my need of other people makes me cling to them and tie them to myself. everything i do for other people i do to validate my existence and make myself happier. all i ever want is to be happy. and i will do anything to feel happy. even if it hurts other people. i am a selfish person. i also know that i deserve all the pain i feel. there is nothing i do that is selfless. i am not capable of that. i deserve to feel the backlash. it balances out the happiness i derive from my manipulation of other people to make myself feel wanted. to make myself remembered. through pain and pleasure, i insure myself that i will not be forgotten. if i am forgotten, my name means nothing and i return to the useless nothing i truly am. all my relationships make me feel like i am worth something. that is why i form them. without the delusion i return to nothing. forgotten. i can't take that feeling. so i will never give up my tying other people to myself. my validation in disregard of everything. my selfishness won't let me exist any other way.